1. Life’s been getting weirder

    Got a new job, starting on Monday. Scared to death and relieved at the same time.

    Relieved because I have promising financial stability coming my way:

    • I can move to the city
    • I can buy a macbook pro
    • I can buy a printing press
    • I can pay off my car
    • I can travel more
    • I can pay off my student loans and credit card debt
    • I can buy the people I love stuff

    Scared because I still have a lot of doubts:

    • What if I hate the job?
    • What if I can’t stick with anything for longer than a month, 3 months, year?
    • What if I always feel unfulfilled?
    • What if I work so much I am always too tired/lazy to make art?
    • What if I work so much I lose my social life?
    • What if the people I work with suck and make me anxious and miserable to go to work everyday?
    • What if I lose focus on the things I really want to do?
    • What if I can’t complete the many projects and commitments I have made for this summer?
    (Ugh, I sound so self absorbed and whiny…American, privileged, young adult problems sound so insignificant when you read them out loud to yourself :/ )

    And my relationship life has been, needless to say, progressive and stagnant, overwhelming and underwhelming. I wish I was better at sorting my thoughts out in my head, but usually everything comes tumbling out in a tangled mess. I’ve been spending most my time with a great circle of girls. They are from all sorts of backgrounds and personalities and are in different statuses in life right now, so it’s been helpful to seek counsel and perspective from them all. They all have something to bring to the table and each has helped me further organize my head from my heart these last six weeks.

    I have been working hard to put myself out of my comfort zone. I feel like I am evolving from the experiences, and I hope I am improving my own life perspective and purposes. 

    I feel a mixture of excitement, self assurance, anxiety, self doubt, restlessness, serenity, and most of all hope for my life and my future.

    Wish me luck.

  2. What I do when I suddenly wake up with a start at 4am with waves of unexplainable anxiety.

    This happens fairly often, as I am a light sleeper who rarely hits REM, but when I do, I tend to have nightmares due to suppressed anxiety and worry. So what I do is I start to count slowly in my head, and with each number I imagine one thing that makes me incredibly happy, warm, and fuzzy feeling inside. I breathe deeply with each item and allow myself to visually come up with images for the items before I move to the next one. I repeat them like a mantra, over and over again as long as it takes until I fall back asleep. I basically hypnotize myself to go back to sleep. For those of you who think that counting sheep never works, I am proof that it sure as hell does for some of us.

    1. My family and loved ones

    2. Love itself

    3. My good health

    4. My freedom

    5. My childhood

    6. Sunshine, snow, wind, trees, flowers, grass, fields, beaches, mountains

    7. Art and beautiful things

    8. Traveling somewhere amazing

    9. Puppies, kittens, bunnies, ducklings…cute creatures

    10. The possibility that there is no infinite afterlife (yes, this makes me happy)

    And the list is always changing depending on what pops into my brain at that delirious moment….try it sometime if anxiety ever wakes you up. It’s better than staying awake and continuing to freak out till it’s time to go to work, school, etc. :)

  3. My roommate Catie in a nutshell…

    giannimegusta:

  4. I’ll be home for Christmas

    Going home tomorrow night and looking forward to seeing all my siblings and parents. I usually help play Santy Claus on Christmas Eve too so of course I can’t wait for that! It’s pretty funny to sleep on the couch in front of the tree on that night because I get to catch all the sneaky children that don’t stay in their beds until morning trying to “peak” at the presents and goodies Santy left for them :) I’m pretty sure they know I have it in good with the Big Guy in Red. Hahaha

    But in all seriousness, I love visiting my crazy family. I know Jed (11 years old) will sit me down and review all his Star Wars Lego characters with me and I will learn all about space aircraft, special weapons, and epic role playing through his earnest obsession in all things 11-year-old-boy.  Jake (10 years old) will probably sit quietly beside me, observing everything going on around him, possibly zoning out to Adventure Time or coyly egging me on to tickle him even though he pretends he hates to be tickled. (I know his game). Elynn (8 years old) will be pushing her boney little butt onto my lap, begging for the attention only the youngest of seven kids could truly crave. She will probably give me lots of compliments about how cute my hair is, how she loves my shirt, or ask me to comment on her latest outfit. Ellie (14 years old) will roll her eyes a lot and giggle impishly at everything, especially when I purposely say dorky things to embarrass her. I’m working on showing her it is okay to be quirky and not care about what others think. I’ll ask her how school is going and if she is getting along with her friends and she’ll probably give, short, clipped answers…but that is okay because I would do the exact same thing. Erin will probably be M.I.A….most likely hiding behind her laptop in her bedroom or getting lost in a book…she’s almost 16 years old, so I don’t blame her for laying low. Mom and dad will blockade themselves in their bedroom, wrapping gifts or watching TV in bed, taking advantage of the convenient distraction my visit has created with the kids -taking in every spare minute to not be bothered by children’s cries, questions, and annoyances. That’s what I am here for after all! And by Christmas Day, in the afternoon, after all the presents have been unwrapped and pictures taken, and paper and bows trashed across the living room floor, I will most likely be burned out from so much child-interaction and be planning the quickest, most tactful escape from their sticky hands, endless questions, and persistent pulls for attention. But who am I kidding? There will be no time for naps! Because Christmas is just once a year and family visits are far and few between and these kids won’t be young forever and whether I want to admit or not…they make me so very happy, thankful, and entertained, I wouldn’t trade any of them in for one second. 

    Just wish me luck trying to dodge all the job applications my parents will be oh-so-thoughfully tossing my way as I simultaneously eat my pie and interact with five stubborn kids, because that is a Christmas guarantee. 

    Merry Christmas, World! 

    (Edit: My older sister, Lisa, seems to be put out that I forgot to mention her in this post so to make amends….I can’t wait to spend more time reading from my brand new Kindle that my sister Lisa (26 years old) so thoughtfully gave me as a graduation present. She and Eddie, my brother in law, will be missed this year as they are splitting time between families and will be in Toccoa Falls for the holidays this time!) :D

  5. Watching this was a highlight of my day yesterday…Encino Man!!  I heart Link and Stoney so much! 

    Watching this was a highlight of my day yesterday…Encino Man!! 

    I heart Link and Stoney so much! 


  6. Mr. Braddock: Ben, what are you doing?Benjamin: Well, I would say that I’m just drifting. Here in the pool.Mr. Braddock: Why?Benjamin: Well, it’s very comfortable just to drift here.Mr. Braddock: Have you thought about graduate school?Benjamin: No.Mr. Braddock: Would you mind telling me then what those four years of college were for? What was the point of all that hard work?Benjamin: You got me.  This conversation is the story of my life.

    Mr. Braddock: Ben, what are you doing?
    Benjamin: Well, I would say that I’m just drifting. Here in the pool.
    Mr. Braddock: Why?
    Benjamin: Well, it’s very comfortable just to drift here.
    Mr. Braddock: Have you thought about graduate school?
    Benjamin: No.
    Mr. Braddock: Would you mind telling me then what those four years of college were for? What was the point of all that hard work?
    Benjamin: You got me. 

    This conversation is the story of my life.

  7. Wild is the Wind

    Written by Dimitri Tiomkin (a Hollywood giant in musical composition) and Ned Washington (he also composed the famous “When You Wish Upon a Star”). 

    Love me love me love me / Say you do / Let me fly away with you / For my love is like the wind / And wild is the wind

    Give me more than one caress / Satisfy this hungriness / Let the wind blow through your heart / For wild is the wind

    You touch me / I hear the sound of mandolins / You kiss me / With your kiss my life begins / You’re Spring to me / All things to me

    Don’t you know you’re life itself /  Like a leaf clings to a tree / Oh my darling, cling to me / For we’re creatures of the wind / And wild is the wind / So wild is the wind / Wild is the wind / Wild is the wind

    The Cat Power version is my favorite. It’s just so damn romantic. 

  8. Things have been strange

    The week is ending and I am busy pet sitting for my aunt and uncle. That is, if busy means lounging around with a fuzzy little dog, listening to cat power, reading from my new kindle (a gift from my older sister and brother), watching movies in a Christmas bedazzled home, then by all means I have been simply swamped.  

    I have been enjoying the time off. I cannot help myself but to begin a brand-new-life-after-schooling-to-do list. It consists of a few key items that I need to tackle as soon as possible and others that I simply have an itch to take care of. 

    -Apply for a full-time job

    -Sort out several years worth of disorganization on external hard drive (i.e. my life)

    -Complete Christmas gifts for family

    -Join alumni association at university

    -Join APS

    -Make le arte

    -Read as many books as possible

    -Sort out life (outside of external hard drive)

    -Restart exercise regimen

    -Complete photography gallery on my artist’s website

    -Complete entire list of missed movies with Catie over holiday break

    -Find time with the boyfriend, despite his inaccessibility due to work hours

    -Have the talk with parents about post graduation options and possibilities

    The last one listed above is something I have especially on my mind. There have been some unexpected and perhaps unconventional ideas and considerations that I have stumbled across that I could pursue in the future… but I won’t elaborate more until I talk to them. 

    I have had such a strange feeling in my guts - in my lungs when I breathe, nervously, in… out… I know the name for it is Anxiety …maybe also Excitement …but not the warm and fuzzy kind of quivers you get before something wonderful happens. It’s more like the lightheadedness that occurs right before you jet off on a roller coaster. And I detest roller coasters. 

    But then there is also this strange… Adrenaline, I guess. I’m not used to this word as much as the others. I have come a long way in making everything as Even and Calm as possible in this life, to create Order for my own sakes and nerves. I cannot correlate just yet where this normally suppressed hormone is coming from …sometimes it makes me feel strong and brave and sometimes it makes me want to curl up and cry. I don’t know how to approach it.

    Maybe it’s my intrinsic fight or flight reflexes telling my body to prepare for the worst as the world is just a fearsome beast waiting to consume me. 

    Or.

    Maybe it’s my body telling my brain that the entire universe is at hand, at my feet, lying there, submissive, waiting for me to take command. 

    And that is nauseating. But kinda in a good way.

    Man, up, girl. You’ve got work to do. 

  9. It’s really real: I’m a college graduate!

    Today flew by and was more or less great - a few roadblocks between me and my overall happiness but I think I did as good a job looking over it as I could be expected to, what with running on only 3 hours of sleep. It was fun, and my awesome Fine Arts comrades and I were able to ham it up a little during the ceremony for our own entertainment. 

    My family looked like they had a pretty good time. Our motivational speaker sucked.

    My dad cried.

    And now that the day is over and all my plethora of emotions can finally be released completely without worrying about smudging my makeup, I plan on having a nice sit down and giving in to a really good long cry too.

  10. T minus 12 hours till I walk that line…

    Outside I’m smiling, inside I’m…


    I think I might throw up.

About me

A postgrad state of mind. You know?

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